donderdag 26 december 2013

2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time - Part 3

 2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real Time - Part 3



This is a Continuation of "2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time - Part 2" and of the process that I am currently walking to Change a Fear Reaction towards a person in my environment, through taking specific steps wherein I specifically use the tools of Writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction. These steps is what I am laying out within my writing  where I walk through how specifically I have applied the tools in practically and effectively changing a fear reaction towards a person in my environment in real time.

The steps that I have taken so far, that lead me up to part/step 3, is in part 1 where I shared the initial process of identifying the experience and the thoughts that I had built up within myself towards this person over time, through using the tool of writing -- where I then took the information within my writing to a practical real-time application of self-forgiveness (which you can read more about in the blog about part 1). Where, within this first step, I uncovered and realized how the initial experience/reaction of fear towards this individual was hiding specific personal judgments that I had created within my mind towards them - and so, by diffusing those judgments within myself, the experience of fear within myself also diffused for a great part.

In Part/Step 2 I firstly checked how I was experiencing myself in relation to this person so that I could see where and how I had already changed my reactions through applying the tools - and secondly, I investigated the reactions that I could identify within myself, through specifically looking at the thoughts that would come up after I had been around them physically and then incorporate those findings within the application of written self-forgiveness (the specifics of which you can read in the blog about Part 2). After this step - where I uncovered a Personality-system within myself that constituted a separation within myself between myself and this person in the form of an experience of fear, and where I walked through this personality-system within the written application of self-forgiveness and self-commitment/self-corrective statements - again I could see how my reaction to this person when I was in her presence had changed from an experience of tension and anxiety to a more comfortable experience of myself. And this because, I had corrected myself within how I had defined her within my mind, through the eyes of the personality-system - where how I saw her now was more based on the actual reality of who she is as a being, where I saw that there really is nothing to fear in fact and that the emotional experience of fear, tension and anxiety around her was all self-created.

Now, here within this Third phase/step within this process of Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time - what I did after the second step was again check myself within how I am experiencing myself in the presence of this individual, to see if and how I have changed and if essentially the self-forgiveness and self-corrective process within my writing has been effective. And what I found was that the point that was there previously at the starting point of the experience of fear, was clear within myself now, because I had opened it up sufficiently within my writing to the point where I could see how it exist within myself and stand in a position within myself in relation to it where it does not direct and decide who I am in moments where I am in the presence of this person anymore.

However within investigating myself in relation to this person in self-honesty, I could see how there was no 'absolute' clarity, meaning that there was still 'something' there --- as a layer underneath the two first layers that I had uncovered and walked through. This new layer, I investigated specifically through looking into what memories exist within my mind that I have subconsciously associated with this person --- where thus, every time that I see her, I will react to her based on how I reacted and experienced myself within the memories that I have associated with her in my mind - which thus basically means that I am not even seeing her as who she actually really is, I am seeing my own mind as subconscious memories.

I will not be sharing the entirety of my writing here, only the information that I used within my self-forgiveness process - which is the specific memories and the experience of myself within them, that would automatically, subconsciously come up within my mind every time that I saw person X and which are the key points that were necessary to address within the application of self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective action because they are the points within myself wherein I can change who I am in my relationships to/with the people in my immediate environment.

So, within the memories that I had accepted and allowed to direct and determine my experience to and towards person X - I was experiencing myself as inferior towards specific girls in school, where I desired to be friends with them because I saw that they would get more attention from males than I did --- where I then completely compromised  my entire expression to exist solely for the purpose of 'becoming their friend' and 'being part of their circle of friends', essentially thus manipulating them to be able to get what I want from them.

In a nutshell, this is the specific information from my writing that I incorporated within my Self-Forgiveness process - from the starting point of 'deactivating'/'deprogramming'/'diffusing' this experience within myself of inferiority towards person X, through investigating who I was within the memories, and correcting myself within the memories, and so correcting myself within and as who I am HERE, in relation to person X and other people in my environment that I would also subconsciously associate with those memories in my mind.

This process of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction that I have walked in writing - I will share Here at the bottom of this blog. So, within this phase/step, I have peeled of a third layer of information that constituted a specific experience of Fear towards a person in my environment and have again cleared up and stabilized the experience of and within myself towards this person in my environment on a deeper level. Were now, in the next blog, I will continue walking this process of reporting and sharing how I am practically changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time and how I have been able to correct who I am within and as the experience of myself towards a specific individual in my environment and thus within this relationship, have stood up within and as myself as the directive principle of myself



Self-Forgiveness Dimension


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I see and am around X, to connect the image of X and how I see her expression, with memories within my mind of how I saw and experienced myself towards the image of popular girls in school – because I am seeing a resemblance in their expression and behavior – and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to step into the exact same experience of myself towards X, and therein thus repeat and regurgitate the past as personality constructs within and as myself --- instead of standing HERE, stable, as a living expression and statement of who I really am, as undefined by preprogrammed images and experiences as memories in my mind, and therein allow myself to get to know X as who she actually is, independent from personal preprogrammed references, interpretations and perceptions as images and experiences in my mind

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself within and as the memories of how I experienced myself towards and in relation to the popular girls in school – by allowing those experiences of the past to dictate and direct who I am here in my immediate reality, in my interaction with the physical beings in my reality --- and to therein trap myself in an endless timeloop of the past --- instead of allowing myself to investigate myself within and as the memories in my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions within and as personality constructs and therein allow myself to release myself from the preprogrammed energetic constructs within and as the mind that I have allowed to have power over me from when I came here into this world and reality – and thus therein give myself the opportunity to actually correct and change the past, present and future, from an endless timeloop of energetic experiences to a self-directed self-awareness of who I am in relation to the events, beings and experiences within my memories and in my current reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with X based on how I have allowed myself to interact with the popular girls in school, from a preprogrammed experience/starting point as a desire to stand in their shoes and be like them and have what they have, as what I perceived to be power and control over other people because of their ‘popularity’ – and thus therein, just as how I experienced myself in relation to and towards the popular girls in school, allow myself to be defined and directed by thoughts of manipulation where I think about how I could manipulate X into liking me and accepting me as ‘one of her own’ --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that how I experienced myself in the social infrastructure of school in relation to the other girls in my school, was entirely directed by a preprogrammed structure/pattern of competition within and as survival that I had allowed to be programmed within myself by my parents, family and the schooling system

And so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the past as preprogrammed patterns of competition within and as survival to repeat themselves in my current interactions and relationships with human beings such as X – by having allowed myself to define myself within and as the structure/machine of and as the mind  that exist in a constant cycling and timelooping of past experiences as energy within and as myself  --- instead of taking directive power within myself and my life and existence, and thus my relationships with the beings in my environment, and take it upon myself to investigate how I am living and existing in relationships with the humans around me, and then change and correct and direct these relationships to in every way stand as a living expression of who I really am, as that which stands in absolute certainty, as a self-created design/structure/expression of life 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X and from my own memories, by projecting memories of girls from my past that X reminds me of in her expression – and then react to X in the same way as how I reacted back then to those girls – instead of taking responsibility for my memories inside of my mind and for myself in relation to the experience within myself towards those girls --- and thus therein take responsibility for who I am in relation to X, to stand stable and clear within myself without preconceived judgments toward her based on my own preprogrammed experiences, perceptions and interpretations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X with an experience within myself of inferiority, and thoughts that ‘she is better than me’ – by projecting memories onto her, of moments in the past where I experienced myself as inferior towards specific girls in my school --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this experience of inferiority as a tension and anxiety within myself, actually in fact hides specific self-interested desires within myself towards those girls, where those girls represent a specific desire that I have allowed to exist within myself --- and that thus, I am using the experience of inferiority as a means to hide my true nature within and as myself which is absolute self-interest

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about the experience of inferiority within myself towards  specific girls in my school – by defining myself within and as the experience of inferiority, rather than seeing and realizing that this experience actually hides a desire within myself to feel superior --- where, I experienced myself as ‘inferior’ towards those girls, because they represented a specific image and idea in my world and reality that I had connected with an experience of power and superiority, that I secretly desired to experience and ‘have’ within myself

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the desire to experience and have power and control over other human beings in my world and reality – and to therefore desire being and standing in the shoes of those girls in my school because I could observe how they received the most attention from others

I forgive myself that i have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how it was in fact me giving my attention away to them and thus giving my power and control away to them, by defining myself within and as the experience of desire towards them --- and that thus, my desire to stand in their shoes and have power and control over others, was in fact a desire to have power and control over myself as ‘others’, and that I was in fact desiring to get/have the control and power back that I had allowed myself to give away to them --- where thus, within this, I have allowed myself to manifest this experience of ‘superiority’ vs ‘inferiority’ within myself in relation to other people, which I then saw projected within those other people – instead of standing one and equal with those girls within and as the realization that they are Here, just as I am here, and that there is no ‘superior’ or ‘inferior’ within that relationship – where in fact the entire polarity experience of ‘inferiority’ and ‘superiority’ was what I had created within my own mind, by having accepted and allowed the desire for power and control over other humans to exist within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my true nature as the secret desire for power and control over others, behind a personality construct/system of being ‘everyone’s best friend’ and being an agreeable, likeable person, within and through the manipulation character --- and that I have then accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest by completely defining myself within my conscious mind within and as this positive image that I had created of myself and was portraying towards the other girls to the extent that I started believing that that is ‘who I really am’ – where I would then experience fear and inferiority towards the other girls as the experience that the mind uses to create a veil between my conscious image-presentation as the Ego and my actual beingness-nature as the desire for power and control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the experience of fear and inferiority within myself in relation to the girls that I saw on the playground who I defined as ‘popular’ and ‘special’ and ‘important’ and ‘powerful’ – and that I have therein allowed myself to deliberately give away my power  to my own judgments and perceptions and projections of them within my mind – instead of standing within myself within and as self-integrity and self-honesty and own up to what I had allowed to exist within myself as secret desires for power and control, and within that, actually investigate myself by asking myself the question of ‘why is it that I desire power and control over other humans in the first place?’ and ‘who am I in relation to this specific desire within myself and in relation to my perceptions and experiences of those girls that I am seeing?’ --- so as to empower myself to actually live and exist as power and control as an unconditional self-expression, and therein be able to direct myself to express myself in ways that is best for myself and for others one and equal with myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate the experience of desire for power and control that I had defined myself within and where I had allowed myself to go to the extent of manipulating other human beings to accept me within their ‘inner circle’ of friendship wherein I had projected that ‘power and control’ – and so that I have thus never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire to experience power and control implies that there exist a lack/loss of power and control within myself as an experience that I had created, manifested and accumulated within myself throughout my past experiences in this world and reality --- and that, if I allow myself to define myself within and be moved by a desire for power and control as an idea in my mind, that I am in fact furthering and intensifying the total abdication of real power and control within and as myself, and thus only intensifying the experience of lacking power and control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define power and control within and as an idea and image in my mind of the girls that I saw on the playground having apparent ‘power and control’ over the other children on the playground in terms of being able to physically influence and move the behavior of the others --- and to therein have allowed myself to separate myself from ‘power and control’ by creating a desire to ‘have’ and ‘obtain’ this idea/image in my mind of ‘being able to physically influence and move the behavior of other humans’ into which I have projected an energetic experience of superiority --- instead of seeing realizing and understanding that this form of ‘power and control’ as an experience connected with an idea/image as a ‘condition’, cannot actually be real, as even If I were to find myself within such a position as depicted within the idea/image in my mind, the experience of ‘having power and control over others’ would only last as long as I am able to present/hold this image/idea/depiction of myself as ‘popular’ or ‘pretty’ --- where then thus, this conditional experience of power and control is in fact based on a powerlessness and a lack of control in relation to the conditions that I require to meet in order to ‘have’ power and control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘if I don’t belong to that group of friends as the ‘popular girls’, I will be inferior’ – and to react to that thought with the emotional experience of fear of survival, connected with all sorts of unconscious preprogrammed idea’s about what my purpose is here on this planet – where, unconsciously, I will think that ‘if I am inferior, then my chances of having a relationship with a male and reproducing and thus the continuation/survival of my genes in this world will be less’ --- and to then react to that experience of fear of survival and idea/belief that I will not be able to exist here on this earth anymore if I do not belong with the group of popular girls, with  the experience of desire to be accepted and seen by them as ‘one of them’ and ‘their friend’

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire within myself to be part of and belong to and be accepted within the group of popular girls at school – was based on unconscious preprogrammed systems of survival that I had accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as  --- wherein I believe that my purpose here on earth as a human being is to reproduce my genes and within that, ‘survive’ as a mind consciousness system forever and that thus, if I cannot fulfill that purpose, I cannot exist --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not actually even really existing as ‘me’ as who I really am as life within and as myself here, when I believe that ‘who I am’ exist within and as ‘survival’ as an idea in my mind that ‘I’ will ‘live on’ into ‘the future’ and that I will simply ‘not exist’ when I cannot experience/have that idea in my mind of ‘I will live on/survive in the future’ – which thus implies that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become but an idea in the mind rather than an actual real physical, living being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being part of the group of popular girls to secure my survival in this world as a mind consciousness system – as an idea within my mind that my chances of my genes/program living on in this world are high because if/when I am part of the group of popular girls then I will receive more attention from males and thus be more likely to have a relationship with a male and eventually have children --- and to therein have accepted myself within and as the definition of a mind consciousness system that doesn’t really exist HERE, as a real living expression of life – but that exist as an energy experience, connected with an idea of ‘surviving/living on in the future’, with ‘the future’ in itself not even existing

I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the experience of desire to satisfy an idea within my mind of the survival of my genes/program within this world, by belonging, being part of and accepted by the group of popular girls, and therein have allowed myself to make the statement within and as myself that I am nothing but an idea within my mind --- an idea that will inevitably ‘die’ when/as the energy of/within the human physical body runs out/dies --- instead of standing within and as the physical body as that which is HERE, as ETERNITY, and therein stand/exist as an expression of life within and as the physical within and as oneness and equality in each and every moment of breath, within and as the realization that the physical existence is real, manifested eternity that is tangible and that thus, if and when I stand and exist as an expression of the physical, I AM eternity manifest within and as myself and thus do not need to have or experience an idea or belief within my mind that I will ‘survive’ or ‘live on’ in order to exist and thus also do not need to be part of some group to be able to ‘survive’/exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the thought that ‘if I am not accepted by, belong with and am part of the group of popular girls, I will not be able to survive/exist’, and the emotional experience of fear  - and that I have accepted and allowed myself to then actually go and find ways to manipulate the ‘popular girls’ to see, recognize and accept me as ‘one of them’, by for instance copying their behavior and mimicking them --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within that, I was limiting, suppressing and compromising myself as who I really am as life within and as myself even more – trading in what is real as life within and as myself for an idea within the mind of survival that is not in fact real – and that obviously, the more I suppress, limit and compromise my existence as life within and as myself, the more I will experience the desire to ‘exist’ by/within being part of, belong with and accepted by the group of popular girls, not realizing that I have within this accepted and allowed a vicious circle to exist within and as myself wherein I have trapped myself in separation of myself in a constant and continuous search/desire/longing for myself as life as that which I have suppressed within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am with and around X, to participate within thoughts in my mind about how I can manipulate X and find ‘entry points’ to get her to accept me and feel a kinship/friendship/companionship towards me and within that, allow me into her ‘inner circle’ that I believe is there so that I can experience a sense of ‘belonging’ and a sense of power and superiority as what I have allowed myself to project within her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as an ‘inner circle’ within and around specific people like X, that I must ‘belong to’ in order to experience and ‘obtain’/’have’ a specific special ‘experience’/energy of belonging, power and superiority – and to therefore experience a ‘desire’ towards X where I think and believe that I need and must have something from/of her --- and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to compromise my expression towards X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation to exist within and as me within how I express myself towards X, by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as manipulative thoughts wherein I try to observe X and calculate how I must behave and how I must express myself  in order to get and have something from her that I have allowed myself to attach a specific value to within my mind --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I have attached value to within my mind and projected within the image of X, is in fact an aspect of myself that I have separated from myself that I am now wanting to ‘experience’ and that thus, I will not actually find that part of myself within X or within a relationship with her, as I can only manifest, establish and realize myself within and as myself, by standing as those parts of myself that I had allowed myself to separate from myself

So, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand and realize myself as one and equal with those aspects that I see within X and that I desire experiencing within myself, such as belonging, power, control and superiority – within and as the realization that I had allowed myself to separate myself from belonging, power, control and superiority as living expressions of myself within and as myself and that I have projected these qualities/aspects of myself within other people such as X – who then stand as representations/images of parts of myself --- and that thus, if and when I allow myself to experience a desire towards those aspects/qualities that I see within others, I am in fact making a statement to myself that these aspects/qualities/parts do not in fact exist within myself and thus in fact manifesting the experience of separation within myself --- where then thus, the experience of desire becomes a vicious cycle unto itself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to express myself and to stand within and as absolute self-honesty when I am with and around X – within and as the realization that X is a part of myself, where, within and as self-honesty, I embrace and accept X as myself, in oneness and equality, by embracing and accepting myself as who I really am as how I stand and exist HERE in this moment of breath, as oneness and equality as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself as life within and as myself and see, realize and understand that when and if I desire being part of and accepted into X’s ‘inner circle’ – I have in fact rejected myself from my own ‘inner circle’ within and as myself as life and that what I see and desire within X is in fact what I have allowed myself to separate from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate X from myself by projecting that part of myself that I have separated from myself as my ‘inner circle’ of acceptance and belonging of/as life within and as myself – and to therein have accepted and allowed myself to abuse X by expressing myself towards her from within and as the manipulation character within and as my mind --- rather than being honest with myself and accept myself within and as the aspect of myself that X represents in my world and reality --- as the ‘inner circle’ of life as acceptance and belonging within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I had been looking/longing/desiring for the experience of ‘being accepted’ and ‘belonging’, within my longing/desire to be part of the ‘inner circle’ of friendship within and of the popular girls on the playground – because I had accepted and allowed myself to reject myself within and as myself and so not accept myself within and as who I really am HERE

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate ‘acceptance’ and ‘belonging’ from myself by projecting it within the image and concept of ‘friendship’ and ‘best friends’ and ‘inner circle’ and ‘Companionship’/’Kinship’, such as the image of the popular girls forming a closed group of ‘best friends’ – and to therein have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must have this ‘friendship’-experience, that I must have ‘best friends’ and be part of and accepted into a closed group of special people, in order to be able to experience ‘acceptance’ and ‘belonging’ --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this, I have in fact sabotaged myself extensively within ever experiencing real acceptance and belonging by not having realized acceptance and belonging as one and equal with myself, within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, no matter which social group I would ‘belong’ to or how many ‘best friends’ I had – despite of the idea and belief that ‘I belong’ in that group within my mind, I would still always feel very alone and separate within myself --- because I had never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that real acceptance and belonging cannot exist if and when it does not exist within myself as a living expression of who I am as life

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by having accepted and allowed the desire to experience ‘acceptance’ and ‘belonging’, within and as the image/idea of ‘friendship’ and ‘companionship’/’kinship’ – I had accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest a polarity within myself, where I would see the experience of ‘acceptance’ and ‘belonging’ as a positive experience outside of myself within the image of ‘friends’/’friendship’/’groups’, and then see the experience of rejection as a negative experience inside of myself within the ‘aloneness’/’darkness’ of myself --- instead of standing one and equal with acceptance and belonging and therein see, realize and understand that ‘aloneness’ is one and equal with ‘togetherness’, and rejection is one and equal with acceptance and belonging --- and I am All as One as Equal as life within and as myself



Self-Correction Dimension
When and as I am around X, and I find myself looking at her and comparing her with girls from my memories where I experienced specific thought patterns of ‘they are so much better than me’ and ‘everyone likes them so much more than me’ and an emotional experience of inferiority towards – I stop and breathe – and I see, realize and understand that this is a preprogrammed pattern/system of thoughts and energy that is based on survival --- where I have learned from my parents and the generations before me to automatically compare myself with all girls/women that I see around me within the desire to be the best and to ‘win’, where I will accordingly feel inferior towards women/girls whom I perceive to ‘have’ more than me of what I believe I need and require in order to survive – such as power and control in my environment through relationships/friendships with other women
Where, I see, realize and understand that I am not in fact inferior towards X – I am only perceiving it that way through the preprogrammed value-systems of/within the mind as the preprogrammed system of survival and competition that I have allowed to exist within myself and that I have allowed myself to define myself within – wherein I had accepted and allowed myself to assign a specific value to concepts such as friendship, power and control as preprogrammed, predesigned images/ideas in my mind such as the image of girls/women talking and laughing together
I see, realize and understand that who I really am as a being, as life, is one and equal with X, as a being, as life and that the ‘competition’ exist within the mind as the preprogrammed system of knowledge and information within and as survival that I have accepted and allowed to be programmed within myself – wherein, I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word/concept of ‘friendship’ within and as self-interest as personal survival, as something that I ‘must have/possess’ to ensure my place and survival in my environment, where I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my relationships with human beings in my environment by defining ‘friendship’ within and as manipulation and deception as I am constantly trying to play into people’s thoughts, feelings and emotions to get what I want as their support in the form of ‘frienship’ and ‘companionship’
Where, I commit myself to stand as the directive principle of myself within and as my world and reality and to redefine, reprogram and live the word/concept of ‘friendship’ as the act of real support of another as myself – where, this support is not based on conditional actions of apparent ‘friendships’, where the starting point is that of self-interest, but where the support is rather based  on unconditional actions towards the beings in my environment where I unconditionally stand as a platform of support for them as what I would want for myself --- because, I see, realize and understand that I cannot receive or experience this platform of support in/from my environment if and when I am not standing within and as this platform of support as a living example of what ‘friendship’ and ‘relationships’ really is
When and as I see myself going into the comparison character within myself when I see X, where I think that ‘X is more popular than me’ or ‘people like X better than me’ -  where I would then activate the inferiority character within myself --- I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and understand how within this I have in fact accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to a desire for power and control over other people in my environment through creating relationships/friendships --- wherein thus I have allowed preprogrammed fears, anxiety and insecurity in relation to other people to direct me whenever I am around people --- rather than me standing as power within and as who I am HERE within and as self-movement and self-expression in oneness and equality with all beings in my environment – and therein stand as the self-directive principle of who I really am as life, wherein I decide and determine my relationships and interaction with the beings around me, based on self-realized common sense within and as what is best for all as me
I commit myself to, within my interaction with X, investigate for myself what it means to stand as a point of power and control within and as myself – wherein I stand in oneness and equality with X, where I accept and embrace her as who she really is within and as herself as a being – without having a personal agenda towards her such as a desire for friendship and acceptance --- and to therein accept myself as who I really am within and as myself – and to therein stand as a living example of what is best for all as true unconditional acceptance and support and as a living example and statement of what ‘friendship’ really is, as me standing as a point of unconditional support within and as unconditional acceptance of another as who they are within and as their expression and an equal and one acceptance of myself as who I really am
When and as I see the thought come up within myself that If I do not belong with, am part of or accepted by a specific group of people, I cannot exist, together with the emotional experience of fear – I stop and breathe – and I see, realize and understand that this thought is based on and is coming from unconscious preprogrammed beliefsystems with regards to my ‘purpose’ in life in this world being ‘survival’ within and as the mind consciousness system, wherein I ‘need’ the best chances at finding/getting/having a partner, by for instance belonging to a group of beings that receive the most attention  from and are the most noticed by everyone else

Where, I see, realize and understand that if and when I allow myself to be influenced, defined and directed by this preprogrammed thought and energetic experience of fear and desire, connected with the thought that I cannot exist if and when I cannot reproduce within and through relationships with other humans – I am in fact suppressing and compromising the actual real existence of myself which is life within and as myself as who I really am – and therein in fact creating the experience of desire to ‘exist’, and am therein creating a vicious cycle where the more I chase specific relationships in search for ‘my existence’, based on an idea that I have accepted and allowed to exist within my mind, the more I suppress and compromise who I really am within and as myself as existence, and the more I thus create the desire to ‘exist’                                                 
Where, I commit myself to break this vicious circle of energy and to stand up as life within and as the physical by being aware of when I, within my mind, am looking at other people, and experience a desire of ‘being part of them/their group’ – to in that moment, bring my attention back to myself, towards myself and see, realize and understand that within that moment, the mind is creating the illusion of projecting my ‘existence’ outside of myself within ‘other people’ within and as the idea that ‘who I am’ exist within and as ‘survival’ and that I need relationships with other people in order to obtain that ‘survival’ – which is in fact the opposite of who I really am as life within and as myself, which is HERE in each and every moment, as an unconditional expression within and as the physical, wherein who I am stands and exist within and as the point of ‘eternity’, in oneness and equality with the eternity within/of the physical 
Where thus, within this, I see, realize and understand that the point of ‘survival’ is a word/concept that the mind has made up to create a separation within myself, from myself as life as eternity --- through defining the word ‘survival’ within and as the concept/idea of ‘past, present and future’,  as something separate from the manifested eternity within/of physical reality  that is here in every moment of breath --- which is in fact designed to deliberately generate the emotional experience of FEAR within and as the mind as within and as the idea of ‘survival’ I believe that I am not really present/existing HERE, but I have to ‘obtain’ or ‘have’ or ‘get’ my existence somewhere else, in the ‘future’, which will create/cause an experience of insecurity and uncertainty as fear within myself
And so herein I commit myself to walk the journey to discover, see and realize who I really am as HERE, as eternity manifested within and as physical substance and expression within and as each moment of breath – and to therein discover who I am in relation to the people in my environment if and when I do not allow myself to be directed or influenced by preprogrammed survival patterns of thoughts and emotional reactions and if/when I rather stand as the living expression of me as physical substance as life within and as the physical --- as the living statement that I need, require or desire nothing to be and exist and that I am HERE as all that exist within and as me
I commit myself to stand as a point of support and stability for myself in the moments where the emotional experience of fear comes up, connected with thoughts that ‘if I am not part of, belong with and am accepted by this individual/individuals, I will not be able to live/exist/survive’ --- where it feels as though if I do not react to and act on this fear by stepping into the chameleon character where I will observe the individual/individuals and change/adapt my expression to be like theirs or to fit into theirs, I will die or something really awful will happen to me --- by using breath in that moment to remind myself that ‘I am HERE’, ‘I am the physical body as life eternal manifested within and as myself’, where ‘I AM that which I seek and want and desire from this individual/individuals’ – and, if needed, I speak a self forgiveness statement and a self corrective statement in that moment in silence within myself to stabilize myself within myself in relation to this individual/individuals and in relation to the memories in my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect with them --- and thus therein give myself the chance and the opportunity to discover and explore who I actually really am as life here within and as the physical




zaterdag 30 november 2013

2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time - Part 2

This is a Continuation of "2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time -- Part 1", where I wrote down the first step within the process that I am currently walking, as a new approach that I am testing in making the process of walking Self-Forgiveness and Self-correction as practical and effective as possible.

In the first step of my new approach to stopping a fear reaction to a person in real-time, I peeled off the first layer of separation, as all the thoughts, backchat and energetic experiences and reactions that I could identify within myself towards and connected to this specific individual - through firstly writing it out for myself on my computer so as to pinpoint what is actually coming up within myself that is creating the energetic experience and reaction of fear within myself when I see her, and then secondly taking those points of insight and incorporating them into a physical real-time application of self-forgiveness in moments when I see her and I see the energetic reactions coming up within myself.

And so, in my previous blog, I ended with how I noticed that, after this application, upon introspecting myself again in the context of my experience around this specific individual - there was still something there, as an 'experience' when I am in her presence,  which is the second layer of separation that requires further investigative writing.

What I then did, in this Second Step of Changing my Reaction and Experience towards this One Person, is again write out in a document on my computer what this reaction/experience consists of. And to more practically be able to do this - I had a look at what thoughts and energy came up within myself After I had been with or around her, because, in the moment that I am with/around her itself, I am so completely enveloped by the energetic reaction that I cannot see it clearly - and when I am sitting in front of my computer, the event and the experience has already past so it becomes difficult to recall what was happening in that moment. Whereas, when I check what is going on in my mind immediately after I have been in the specific reactions/experiences, I can more clearly see what I had been participating in.

For instance, what I found for myself was:

  • the thoughts are:
Does she like me?
What does she think about me?
I hope I made a good impression
I hope she likes me
What if she doesn’t like me
I have to make sure that she likes me
Maybe she doesn’t like me

  • The energy/feeling/emotion:
Uncomfortability
Fear
Uncertainty
Instability
Doubt
Petrifaction

  • The physical experience:
Constriction in stomach and chest
Shortness of breath/holding my breath


After I had this written down - I proceeded with writing out the self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements. 

Self-Forgiveness


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence, react with the thought that ‘she has to like me’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence, react with the thought that she has to be my friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship to and interaction with X within and as the polarity of like and dislike – and to therein experience myself within an energetic experience of desire for a relationship, within and as the thought that ‘she likes me’ and fear of being rejected, within and as the thought that ‘she doesn’t like me’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence, think ‘what if she doesn’t like me’, connected with the emotional experience of fear


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the thought ‘what if X doesn’t like me’, connected with the emotional experience of fear – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the desire for X to like me is a preprogrammed thought/belief that I have accepted and allowed to be programmed within myself as what I have copied from my parents, as the belief/idea that ‘relationships’ are about ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ as an energetic polarity-game that is played between and among humans – wherein, I have accepted and allowed ‘relationships’ to exist within and as myself and within and as this world and reality, as an energetic experience as a feeding ground for the mind, rather than as a physical expression of Hereness


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘relationships’ between humans within and as an energetic polarity of fear and desire, connected with the words ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ – by having allowed myself to define ‘relationships’ between humans within and as personal Survival, wherein I want other humans to ‘like’ me, as a way of creating the idea, belief and perception within my mind that I have a ‘network’ of ‘support’ within and as my ‘friends’ and ‘family’, as all the beings that ‘like me’, who will ‘help me’ to survive in this world


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship towards X within and as personal survival, by reacting to her, when I am in her presence, with the backchat that ‘I need X to be my friend so that I can survive in this environment/group’, connected with the emotional experience of fear


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the self interest that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as the desire for personal survival, behind the emotional experience of fear when I am around X – instead of being honest with myself about what is really happening in my mind, which is that i want to use X for my survival through creating and establishing a relationship based on 'Like' with her


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence and when I see X, react with the backchat in my mind that ‘I need to make friends with X so that I can feel safe and supported’, connected with the emotional experience of fear – and to therein use X in the name of my personal survival in this reality --- instead of standing one and equal with X, and seeing X as myself – within and as the realization that I have allowed myself to create and manifest a reality of ‘survival’, by having allowed myself to separate myself from the beings around me, within and as a fear of survival, rather than caring for all the beings around me in oneness and equality with myself, based on the principle of doing onto another as I want to be done unto


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X, by reacting to her when I see her, and when I am in her presence, with the thought in my mind of what would happen to me if X doesn’t like me, and if I don’t have any friends, and if she were to reject me – within and as and connected to a fear of survival that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within --- instead of standing stable within and as the moment here, in oneness and equality with X --- and therein seeing and recognizing her as myself, and so communicate and interact with X as how I would like to be communicated and interacted with – and so therein, allowing myself to get to know X as who she really is as a being in oneness and equality with myself and so get to know who I am within and as X


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as X, by having accepted and allowed a fear of survival to exist within and as myself in separation of myself – and by, when and as I see X, reacting within the fear of survival, connected with a thought of what would happen to me if X doesn’t like me, as an image of ‘blackness’/’darkness’, that I within my mind interpret as ‘death’ --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this image of ‘death’ within my mind, connected with the thought/backchat that ‘I will die if X doesn’t like me’, is a preprogrammed emotional experience and image/thought within my mind, wherein I have allowed myself to separate myself from myself as what exist here, as other humans, as X


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the thought that ‘if X doesn’t like me, I will die’, connected with the image in my mind of ‘darkness’ that comes up as a thought, when I see X and when I am in her presence, by having allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of fear with the thought/image of ‘darkness’, and the backchat that ‘if X doesn’t like me, I will die’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a polarity to exist within myself of ‘life’ and ‘death’, by having allowed myself to connect the word ‘death’, with the image of ‘darkeness’ within my mind, and connected with the emotional experience of fear – and to therein have allowed myself to connect the word ‘life’, with the image of other people and connected with the energetic experience of desire --- and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as life, by having allowed myself to define ‘life’ within and as an image and an energetic experience, rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘life’ as who I really am is all that exist here, which is undefinable, and not limited to a definition, an experience and/or a polarity – and that, the polarity of ‘life’ and ‘death’, connected with the energetic experiences of desire and fear as feelings and emotions, is a preprogrammed system-design that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as a system of separation, wherein I have allowed myself to separate myself from who I really am as ‘life’ as all that exist here


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘survival’, by reacting with the thought that ‘I need a relationship/friendship with X in order to survive in this world’, when I see X and when I  am in her presence – and by reacting to this thought/backchat with the emotional experience of fear


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire for X to ‘like’ me, is entirely based on self-interest, as a fear of survival that I have accepted an dallowed myself to define myself within, and that thus my expression towards X, wherein I try to be ‘likeable’ and I try to get her to like me and enjoy my presence, is a lie, wherein I am manipulating X through presenting ‘false information’ within and as a false representation of myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that, by defining relationships within and as a polarity of like and dislike, based on fear of survival, I have allowed myself to define relationships with other humans within and as Manipulation and deception – as I will change and compromise myself within my expression to manipulate other people in their feelings, thoughts and emotions, to try and get them to like me – wherein thus, I will completely misrepresent myself in order to ‘create/establish relationships’


Where, I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how these relationships with other humans that I believe I need for my survival in this world and reality, cannot in fact be trusted – as these relationships are entirely based on and defined within lies, deception and manipulation as what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as the starting point of the relationship-creation


I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have manifested and created the experience of fear, unsafety and insecurity within myself in relation to other people in my world and reality – by having allowed deception, manipulation and lies to exist within myself as the starting point of my relationships with other humans, wherein I have allowed a world and reality of deception and lies to exist without any real care, equal and one with what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I create and manifest my perception and experience of my world and reality as what I see with my human physical eyes – through and within what I allow to exist within and as myself in relation to what exist, and thus what I accordingly accept and allow to exist within and as all that exist here as me – and that thus, the anxiety, fear and insecurity that I experience when I am around X and people, based on the fear of being disliked and rejected and so a fear of not being supported and thus not surviving, is because I have allowed a polarity of like and dislike to exist within myself as the starting point of my relation to other people, where I will push people away and reject people when I don’t like them, based on an energetic emotional experience, and only support and care for those that I ‘like’ within and as an energetic feeling experience --- where thus, this apparent ‘care’ and ‘support’ for others within myself cannot in fact be trusted as it is not based on principle and stability and unconditionality within myself, but on  an energetic reaction within and as the mind


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed en energetic polarity of like and dislike within and as emotional and feeling responses to exist within myself in relation to other humans – where, I will only ‘care’ for and ‘support’ those that I experience a positive feeling reaction towards within myself, and I will reject those that I experience a negative emotional reaction towards – instead of standing as a point of stability, reliability, unconditional support and consistency within and as myself in relation to all beings in my world and reality, and to within that, stand as a living example of what I would like for myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within and as the belief and idea that I need and require to have a specific group of ‘friends’ as specific people that I ‘like’ and that ‘like’ me, as my specific group of support in this world and reality – while ‘disliking’ everyone else that does not belong to ‘my group of friends’


And, I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how, within this, I have accepted and allowed a polarity to exist within and as myself of positive feelings, connected with the idea/thought that I am ‘with my friends’ and negative emotional experiences, connected with ‘the world outside that is not part of my group of friends’ – wherein thus, I have allowed myself to in fact create and manifest the belief and thought within myself that I need and require to have my group of friends to support me in this world and reality, and to protect me from all the ‘other people’ in this world that I have connected a negative emotional experience with --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have created and manifested the desire for friendship as the desire for support in this world, because I have allowed myself to define every other human being in this world as ‘my enemies’, within and as the emotional experience of Fear that I have allowed myself to define myself within, where thus, I am in fact wanting and desiring ‘protection’ from myself as what/who I have allowed myself to be and become within and as myself as a self-interested and untrustworthy individual who makes decisions that affect other beings, based on emotions and feelings as ‘like’ and ‘dislike’, rather than on the principle of what is best for all


I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself  to see, realize and understand that when I behave and express myself towards other beings from the starting point of wanting them to like me, where I step into the pleaser character and try to give them a positive feeling – wherein I am supporting their ego, I am not in fact standing as a point of support for who they really are within and as themselves as equal and one with myself, as I am actually in fact manipulating and deceiving them to get what I want from them, which is their support, within and as them ‘liking’ me --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that any point of perceived ‘support’ that exist within and as an energetic experience of feelings and emotions, is not actual trustworthy support --- and that, within this, I am manifesting the consequence of the experience within myself of constant uncertainty, insecurity and fear that they will for some reason suddenly ‘not like me anymore’ and so fear of thus losing my ‘support’


I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘support’ cannot be in fact real when It exist as an energetic experience within my mind, connected to a thought, when it can suddenly ‘stop’ or ‘disappear’ or ‘shift’ or ‘change’ – and that thus, by placing my trust in how humans feel or think about me, whether or not they ‘like’ me, I am in fact giving my real self-support away by not trusting that which is unconditionally, consistently, constantly HERE as the physical reality, the physical body


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to create a relationship based on ‘like’ with X  and to therein try to find out what she likes and what she is like, so that I can express myself and be like her, so that she would like me --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I am within this, creating and building a relationship with her based on lies, manipulation and deception and that I am within that, creating the experience of insecurity, fear and uncertainty within myself when I am around her, because subconsciously, I know that I cannot trust this relationship based on ‘like’ as it exist within and as deception, manipulation and lies


I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘friendship-relationships’ where I experience a ‘connection’ with another human being, and believe and think that they care for/about me and support me – is in fact based on lies, deception and manipulation that I use to get people to ‘like’ me and feel attracted/interested to/in me – where thus, the ‘support’, ‘care’ and ‘connection’ that I experience with them is in fact only a thought/idea and experience in the mind  that isn’t actually real as it is not based on who I really am  within and as myself, but on an idea/picture/image that I present of myself  within and as extensive self-comprimization


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see X, react with thoughts in my mind that ‘she has to like me’, connected with the emotional experience of tension, anxiety and fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by, when and as I see her, react within and as the emotional experience of tension, anxiety and fear, connected with the thought of ‘what if she doesn’t like me’ and ‘she has to like me’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see X, to react within myself with memories of relationships with girls from my past and how I would always experience and define the relationship within and as a polarity of fear that they won’t like me and desire for them to like me, connected with the polarity experience of fear, anxiety and tension and excitement, connection, friendship and companionship


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the memories of how I experienced myself in relation to my ‘friends’ as other girls in the past, within and as the energetic polarity of fear and excitement, connected with backchat of ‘they have to like me’ and ‘what if they dislike me’ – and to therein express myself within and as the polarity of fear that X will dislike me and desire for X liking me, where I compromise myself within and as my expression by trying to deliberately act in ways to play into X’s feeling reactions towards me, and to therein limit myself within and as myself and my expression, by interacting with X based on preprogrammed patterns of experience and behavior that I have copied from my parents, rather than standing stable within and as myself and get to know and discover who I am, through getting to know X as who she is, by not allowing myself to be directed and influenced by preprogrammed inner experiences of fear and desire and backchat within how I approach her and interact with her, wherein I will always only see and experience what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed preprogrammed experiences with regards to ‘relationships’ with other women that I have copied from my mother, to direct, determine and influence me within and as my interaction and relationship with X – instead of standing stable within and as breath within and as myself and get to know who I am within and as my interaction and relationship with other women and see, realize and understand that thoughts, feelings and emotions that come up within myself when I am around other women, is always a pattern of behavior and experience that I have copied from my parents when I was a child and that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself by having allowed myself to become a complete copy of my parents


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed energy as emotional and feeling reactions to thoughts and backchat to determine and define who I am in relation to other women, like X – as a preprogrammed pattern that I have allowed myself to copy from previous generations through following the example of my parents --- rather than standing as the self-directive principle within and as myself and giving myself a chance to get to know who I am within and as myself as life --- and so get to know, discover and explore who I am within and as my relationship with other humans, by standing stable within and as breath within and as the moment HERE, and through investigating the thoughts and feeling/emotional experiences that come up within myself and so for myself actually directly see what is real and what is preprogrammed patterns of knowledge and information and experiences


I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate the thought/backchat in my mind that ‘people have to like me’ and the belief/thought that ‘I need friends’ and ‘people have to want to be my friend’  - and so therein define myself within and as the emotional experience of fear, connected with the thought/backchat that ‘people don’t like me’ and the experience of excitement/desire, connected with the thought that ‘people like me’ --- and so never having accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand  that I don’t actually need people to like me, as ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ is based on a preprogrammed system of survival within and as the mind, wherein I am seeing and experiencing reality from a very limited perspective, only seeing what I want to see, within and as the polarity of ‘people like me’ or ‘people don’t like me’, and where I am not seeing reality as what it actually is by not placing myself in the shoes of other beings and in that, seeing who they are within their life and so see the totality of their being and where they stand within and as themselves, rather than only seeing a tiny piece/part of them within and as the thought of ‘they like me’ or ‘they don’t like me’, wherein I am completely consumed by self-interest, placing myself as the centre of the world/universe and believing that  all that matters in reality is how people think and feel about ‘ME’ --- instead of actually caring about all of Life that is here, one and equal with myself, and within that, seeing, realizing and understanding that, when I allow myself to value how people think and feel about me, within and as the desire for them to like me and the fear that they would dislike me, I am in fact allowing and justifying self-interest within beings, rather than standing as a point of common sense, self-honesty and self-responsibility, according to and within the principle of what is best for all – and to therein thus express myself from the starting point and within a Principle, and not an energetic experience based in self interest, within and as the realization and understanding that expression based on principle can be trusted as it is consistent, constant and stable in every moment, serving all as life unconditionally equal and one, whereas, expression based on experience as thoughts and energy, cannot be trusted as it is constantly fluctuating according to the whims of thoughts and energy that only serves self-interest


I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am justifying self-interest by defining myself within and as the energetic polarity of the desire for people to like me and the fear that people won’t like me – as I am, within and as this polarity honoring, respecting and supporting thoughts and feelings within human beings as well as myself within my attempt to make them ‘like’ me and to avoid them ‘disliking’ me – rather than honoring, respecting and supporting life in oneness and equality through standing as a living example of what is best for all and so expressing myself in interaction, communication and relation to other humans based on a principle of applying common sense in investigating all things and aligning all things to establishing a world and reality, and relationships that are best for all life on earth --- wherein, rather than compromising myself and adapting myself to what people ‘like’ within and as their thoughts, backchat and feelings, I stand stable within and as myself and apply common sense in not allowing self-interest in another as myself


I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for life on earth within and as my environment as what exists here – by defining myself within and as an energetic polarity within my mind as the desire for people to like me and a fear that they won’t like me, wherein I accept and allow self-interest as separation within other human beings and so within this world and reality, and so accept and allow the manifestation of consequence here within and as life on earth --- by not standing within and as principle, in taking responsibility for all life that is here, in ensuring that the expression of humanity is aligned with what is best for all life and is thus not consequential --- so as to prevent harm from being done unto life as me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like myself within and as defining myself within the desire for other people to like me


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am in fact rejecting myself within trying to get other people to accept and like me – wherein thus, I am manifesting the experience within myself of ‘being rejected’ and so, am creating the desire within myself of being accepted/liked by other humans --- instead of liking and accepting myself first and foremost within and as the realization that I am responsible for my experience within and as myself  and I am the starting point of my experience of and within myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that, when and if I allow myself to define myself within and as the thought of ‘X has to like me’ coming up when I see her – that I am in fact actually saying that ‘I don’t like myself’ because I am willing to compromise, suppress and change my expression and who I am within and as myself so that another person would feel positive about me – and within that, abdicate who I am within and as myself entirely and so make the statement that I have no respect, regard or care for life within and as myself  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no respect, regard or care for life within and as myself, by accepting and allowing myself to desire being liked by X, and by therein being prepared to compromise, suppress and change myself within and as my expression in this reality and within myself completely in order to please her


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate all self-respect and regard and care for myself by defining myself within and as the thought that ‘X has to like me’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by believing that I need X to exist


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by defining myself within and as the thought that I need X’s friendship to exist


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by defining her within and as a positive energy charge and by defining myself within and as a negative energy charge – and therein believing that I need X to ‘be better’ than myself --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that X is one and equal with myself as life within and as myself and that I do not in fact need X’s friendship to exist because I exist HERE, and because the friendship that I desire from X, in fact actually exist as an image, an idea within my mind


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the image in my mind of ‘friendship’, where I see people together, by connecting that image with the experience of desire --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I have allowed myself to create an idea within my mind around ‘people who are together’ as an image that I see with my eyes, where I believe and interpret that ‘togetherness’ within and as an energetic feeling/experience – and therein experience myself within and as an energetic polarity within myself in relation to the image that I am seeing with my eyes of people --- rather than seeing, realizing and understanding  that other people that I see with my eyes are one and equal with myself, and that thus, people that are together, are not ‘better’ or ‘superior’ to myself, because the experience of superiority is something that I have created within and as my mind


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the idea that I have created around ‘togetherness’ and ‘friendship’ within my mind, by connecting the image of ‘being together with X’ , with an energetic experience of superiority and excitement and positivity – and by therein defining myself within and as the experience of desire, connected to the image of ‘togetherness’ and the energetic experience of positivity and excitement – instead of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as ideas, interpretations and perceptions of what I see with my eyes, based on knowledge and information and experiences that I have copied from my parents and previous generations and seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘friendship’ within and as the energetic experience that I have defined the word ‘friendship’ in my mind, doesn’t actually exist, as it is a concept and idea that I have created in my mind within and as an energetic polarity --- wherein I had separated myself from what I see with my eyes as myself and had created the illusion and perception that what I am seeing within and as ‘other people’ is bigger/more than myself, rather than realizing myself as one and equal with what I see as others as me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within an energetic polarity relationship to X as the image of X that I see with my eyes – by defining her as ‘superior’ and ‘more’ within my mind, by having allowed myself to define X, within and as an image in my mind where I see X with other girls connected with the backchat that ‘everybody loves her’ and ‘she has no trouble making friends’ and ‘she is accepted by other people’ --- instead of seeing X as who she really is, as a life form that is one and equal with myself HERE, and therein accepting myself as who I really am as life


I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the idea and belief that ‘people have to like me’ to exist within myself in separation of myself by defining the idea that people have to me within and as the experience of fear


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what would happen if people didn’t like me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing people away and people pushing me away through my behavior – and therein fear ‘losing’ people, and fear the experience of regret within myself that I have pushed people away and have therein pushed away my chance at friendship and all the positive experiences of connection, togetherness, warmth, comfort, joy and happiness that I have allowed myself to connect with the idea of ‘friendship’ --- and to therefore always continually suppress myself within and as my expression and always try to present and behave and express myself as ‘the good person’ and ‘a likeable person’ and ‘a kind/nice/friendly/social/likeable person’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest an energetic polarity within myself around ‘social behavior’ and ‘being social’ --- by on one side try to be social and likeable so that people would like me and so try to ‘pull’ people to myself --- and on the other side experience resistance towards ‘social behavior’ and ‘being around people’ and ‘being nice and friendly and polite and sociable’ --- wherein I have allowed myself to create consequences for myself within my world – by then deliberately pushing people away by going into the negative polarity of resistance and pushing and rejecting and giving up, where I in my backchat go ‘I don’t need you people’, ‘im better off alone’, ‘I m done trying’, ‘I m just not a social person’, ‘I like it better to be alone’, ‘I m just not good with people’, as all the justifications that I create within my backchat/thoughts to justify me pushing people away as a reaction to the experience within myself of desire to be with them and ‘have them’ and be close to them --- instead of realizing who I am within and as myself, one and equal with other people, and therein realize ‘relationships’ with other people, as a self-expression rather than a possession and possessiveness within and as an energetic polarity of fear and desire, of pushing and pulling


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘who I am’ within and as myself within and as an energetic polarity experience of excitement and depression in relation and reaction to other people – where, on one side my backchat goes ‘they have to like me’, ‘I need them to like me’ and on the other hand, my backchat goes ‘I don’t care’, ‘I don’t need anyone’, ‘I ll just be alone’ --- wherein I have trapped myself within and as a polarity of ‘being together with people’ and ‘being alone’, rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in fact always alone within and as myself, whether I am physically around other people or not


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being alone’ within and as the thought of ‘not being around other people’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘alone’ within and as the fear of not being around other people


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being around other people’ within and as the experience of desire – by defining ‘being around other people’ within and as a positive experience of happiness and joy


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the backchat that ‘I must have a relationship with people and I must be around people so that I can experience this happiness and joy’, connected with the experience of desire


I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the experience of joy and happiness that I see projected within the thought of ‘being around/with other people’ by having allowed myself to define myself within and as the experience of Desire with regards to being around and with other people


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire ‘possessing’ people within and as the desire to be with them and ‘have them’ as my friends – instead of realizing myself as one and equal with human beings and seeing them as myself


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the desire to be around and with people and to be close to people behind the fear that they will see this desire within me and then reject me


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the desire to be close to people and be around and with people and ‘have’ and ‘possess’ people as my ‘friends’ and ‘partner’ behind a deliberate picture presentation of myself as a ‘nice, kind, sociable, friendly and shy person’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself about who and what I have allowed myself to become within myself as the desire for relationships with people as a possession that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself – by having allowed myself to define ‘who I am’ within and as the thought and picture presentation of myself as a ‘nice, loveable, sociable, friendly person’ --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this picture presentation is an utter lie as the reality of myself is that all that I am as what I have become is the desire for relationships as what I have allowed myself to hide within myself


I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as HERE, AS this reality, where I am never alone as I am always in all ways HERE, with all that exist here—where, there exist no such thing as ‘rejection’, and ‘rejection’ is an idea in the mind that isn’t in fact real, and neither is ‘acceptance’ – in terms of that Acceptance is always HERE, as the physical reality and existence of myself on earth, where I am always ‘together’ with all beings that exist here --- where, the idea of togetherness that I have  created within my mind, connected with an image of people who are laughing and touching each other, and talking and ‘having fun’, and a positive energetic experience/value, is not in fact real, as ‘togetherness’ is not in fact defined by energetic experiences or ideas in the mind, but rather by the fact that the very physical existence that is HERE, is the manifestation of ‘togetherness’, where all physical manifestations that exist are Together HERE on planet earth --- where, this togetherness is not positive nor negative, it is a Living Fact, as How it simply is and what/how things simply are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an energetic experience of excitement and arousal and anxiety with ‘being physically together with other people’, by having allowed myself to assign a positive value to the word and idea/concept of ‘being together with other people’, within and as how I have allowed and accepted myself to define the word ‘togetherness’ within and as a physical proximity and touch with the humans that I see with my eyes


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘togetherness’ within and as the word ‘belonging’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘belonging’ within and as a positive energetic value


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘belonging’ within and as a polarity of ‘acceptance’ and ‘rejection’ based on thoughts and energy within the mind --- wherein I believe that I ‘belong’ with specific Groups of people if and when they accept me within their judgments thoughts and feelings in their mind, and that I ‘do not belong’ with them if and when they do not accept me within their inner thoughts and feelings


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the desire to ‘belong’ with people, as an energetic experience connected with a thought in my mind – and that I have therein allowed myself to define ‘belonging’ within and as an energetic experience that only exist in the mind and is thus not real


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and recognize the word ‘belonging’ within and as its actual real physical meaning, in line with its existence within and as this physical reality – where the word ‘belonging’ simply indicate  how a specific physical manifestation in this physical existence is part of a specific group of physical manifestations – where, this ‘belonging’ doesn’t in any way imply an energetic experience as a feeling, it is simply a physical observation of physical facts


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a polarity to exist within myself within and as my mind, of ‘belonging’ and ‘being rejected’ – as a preprogrammed interpretation of reality from the minds perspective, that only exist with the purpose of generating energy – by/through connecting the words ‘being rejected’ with a negative value and the  Negative energetic experience of Fear, and connecting the word ‘belonging’ with a positive value and the positive energetic experience of excitement


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within and as the mind to look at and interpret and experience reality that I see with my eyes, within and as an energetic polarity of ‘belonging’ and ‘being rejected’, in relation to other humans – and to thus therein define myself within and as the energetic polarity of fear of being rejected and desire to Belong --- instead of seeing and realizing that this polarity of being rejected and belonging as a negative and positive experience, doesn’t actually exist and is in fact a consequence of how the human has allowed human society as ‘life on earth’ to exist within and as survival – where ‘belonging’ is assigned a positive value as ‘belonging’ is defined within the word ‘survival’, and the idea that ‘one has better chances at survival when in group’ – where thus the words ‘being rejected’ is associated with the experience of fear of not surviving --- and where thus, I am not existing within and as oneness and equality with the physical reality, which is that I am HERE, thus I ‘belong’ with and as all that exist as all of existence, because I exist HERE – where thus, ‘being rejected’ or ‘rejection’, within and as the physical reality, simply refers to the physical act of returning something or sending something back  - as in ‘Return-Ejection’, where one Eject something/someone from ones person/group/environment and Return it from where it came – where thus, the word ‘rejection’ in itself is not Negatively charged – it has only become negatively charged within my mind because I have allowed myself to associate ‘being rejected’ with a personal desire for survival and so with an emotional experience of Fear


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I allow myself to define myself within an energetic experience of fear in relation to the word ‘rejection’ and ‘being rejected’, based on a personal fear of survival, connected with the thought that ‘if people reject me I will not be able to survive on my own in this world’ – then I am accepting and allowing the current world-system to exist as a system of Survival, a system of Fear, where every being exists in fear of being rejected by other humans, which in turn creates manipulation and deception within humans and human relationships where humans try to ensure and protect their Position in ‘the group’ so as to ensure their personal survival in this world and reality


I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the fact that if and when I allow a fear of being rejected to exist within myself, as a fear that I will be pushed out of the group of humanity and Life and that I will not be able to survive on my own – that, within that, I am accepting and allowing and creating a world and reality where this ‘rejection’ that I fear actually exist --- as, within and as the fear within myself, I am in fact stating that ‘yes, this exist here in this reality’, and thus I am accepting and allowing it to exist by reacting to it --- rather than standing within the principle of oneness and equality as what is best for all – and stand as a living statement that I do not allow a system/existence to exist where beings are cast out and rejected from the group and left out to starve and die without any form of support, within and as the principle of doing unto another as what I would want to be done unto --- where, I stand as a point of absolute, unconditional and total support for all physical manifestations in this world and existence, to ensure that all life as me is cared for and supported and thus able to survive in this physical world and reality
                                                                                                                                                 

Self-Commitment

When and as I see X and I see the experience of excitement come up within myself, connected with the thought that 'X has to like me' - i stop and breathe, and i see, realize and understand that if i allow myself to follow this thought and the energy, that i would compromize my expression in that moment by trying to manipulate X into liking me, and that i would therein accept and allow my relationship with X to exist within and as lies and deception - and thus  in fact create the fear of being rejected within myself, as i have based my relationship with X on me rejecting myself and the idea/belief that X would reject me if i wouldn't submit to manipulation to 'pull' her in to liking me

where thus, i commit myself to take responsibility for what i am creating within myself, my world and my reality - through the energetic desires that i allow to exist within myself - where i realize that, by desiring X to like me, i am in fact creating the experience and fear of rejection within myself --- as the desire to be liked is based on a fear to not be liked and an assumption that X doesn't actually like me for/as who i really am and that thus i have to change myself to manipulate her into liking me

where thus i commit myself to, within taking self-responsibility, interact with X from the starting point of me accepting myself as who i am, and the realization that if and when i believe and think that X will reject me or has rejected me, that this is an indicator that i have allowed a desire to exist within myself for X to like and accept me - as a desire to experience a specific Positive Feeling that i have connected with the thought that people 'like me' - where thus, the interpretations of X's behavior or expression that 'she doesn't like me' would be a reflection of the polarity that i have allowed to exist within myself  -- where, within the very desire for her to like me, i am in fact saying that She doesn't actually like me, which i am then seeing projected within her expression towards me, which is thus only myself as who i have allowed myself to be and become within and as myself

so, when and as I see the experience of fear and insecurity come up within myself connected with the thought 'what if X doesn't like me', when i am around or when i see X - i stop and breathe - and i see, realize and understand that the experience of insecurity and fear in relation to X  is what i use in my mind to hide the self-interest behind that i am actually participating in in relation to her --- where, i see, realize and understand that the only reason that i feel insecure and fearful and tense when i am around her is because there are things of and within myself that i am attempting to hide from her, such as a desire to manipulate her so that she would like me and so that i can experience a positive feeling within my mind that i have connected with the thought that 'people like me'

and so, i commit myself to practice and walk the process of mastering and developing integrity and self-honesty within my expression when i am around X - where i stand within and as the principle  of what relationships between humans should be, which is a point of mutual support and assistance, a point of honoring and respecting each other within and as who we are - and thus not a power play of manipulation and deception in the context of personal survival, that only furthers a fear of rejection and a distrust towards all humans

i commit myself to stand as a trustworthy human being through not allowing myself to hide personal backchat and desires towards others behind fear - but rather be honest about the self-interest that i have allowed to exist within myself, and find ways to stop the dishonesty that i have allowed within myself in my relationship to other beings, and thus within this world 

When and as i see the thought that 'she will reject me' connected with the experience of panic and petrification come up within myself when i am with X - i stop and i breathe - and i see, realize and understand that this is a preprogrammed experience that i have programmed within myself through defining myself within memories where i believed/thought that people had rejected me and i experienced myself negatively, that i have not allowed myself to take responsibility for and so have never seen, realized or understood that this experience is a part of myself that i have separated myself from through reacting to it with fear and thus fearing the experience of fear

where thus, i commit myself to, rather than run from the preprogrammed experience of fear that comes up within myself when i am with X, stand stable and breathe and apply self forgiveness in the moment when i see that i am not stabilizing myself effectively through breathing -- and therein stand as the living statement that i will not allow rejection to exist within myself as an emotional experience of separation based on 'dislike', because i realize that within that i would be accepting and allowing rejection based on emotional reactions of 'dislike' to exist within all of life as me that exist here on earth and thus accepting and allowing a world and reality to exist where there exist no real unconditional support within human relationships towards each other and other life forms and relationships end up existing within and as humans abusing each other for personal survival --- which, i will not accept within myself as all life here

i commit myself to stand as a point of unconditional support by not allowing fear and/or desire to exist within myself towards and in relation to X and so not allowing myself to separate myself from X - and allow myself to get to know X as who she is as a part of myself as life Here - and thus allow myself to explore what unconditional support in oneness and equality really implies



So, this was the second step of changing a fear reaction towards person X, where i have uncovered a second layer of separation as thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself.  After this process, I again tested my application by investigating myself within and as how i experience myself in relation to person X, when I am in her physical presence. Where, I noticed that there was a definitive change in the point of wanting her to like me, and I found i was much more comfortable in my expression when i was with her.

However i could still detect some movement within myself towards her - which is the next layer of separation that i will be walking and sharing in my next blog.


To be Continued...




For more Context and specificity in walking the Steps of practically Changing a Fear Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time - Watch my Vlog "2013 Changing A Fear Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time - Part 2"